An Exercise in Exasperation
by Lear's Daughter
Summary: The Leverage crew goes to the movies. This is more difficult than it sounds. TWP: team!fic without plot.


Note: There are no spoilers for _Leverage_ or for any of the movies currently in theaters.

Disclaimer: I don't own _Leverage_.

* * *

This is how they choose which movie to see:

Eliot refuses to watch Russell Crowe or Jaden Smith pretend to know something about fighting, so that rules out _Robin Hood_ and _The Karate Kid_.

Nate refuses to endure a movie with no basis in reality, which means no _Iron Man 2_, _Jonah Hex_,or _The Prince of Persia_.

Hardison refuses to see anything as brainless as _Get Him to the Greek_, _Killers_, or _Marmaduke_.

Parker refuses to watch romances, which rules out _Sex and the City 2_ (to Nate's dismay).

Sophie refuses to watch movies for which she auditioned and was rejected, which includes _Robin Hood_, _The Karate Kid_ ("I can pass for Chinese!" she protests), _Get Him to the Greek_, _Killers_ ("I still don't know why that role went to Katherine Heigl instead of someone more mature"), _Marmaduke_, _Iron Man 2_, _Jonah Hex_, _The Prince of Persia_, _Sex and the City 2_, and _Shrek Forever After_ ("I can too sound like an ogre! Can't I, Nate?" "Uh, I don't know what to say to that.").

They all refuse to watch _The A-Team_, because no team can compare to theirs.

So, _Toy Story 3_ is pretty much their only option.

Figuring out the driving configuration takes longer than it should. On jobs, when they normally have to drive off in a hurry, it's only natural for Nate to drive and Sophie to take the passenger seat and the three "kids" to be crammed in the back seat with Parker in the middle. When they're not on a job, though, Eliot takes issue with this particular setup. For one thing, he gets motion sick when he sits in the back seat. For another, watching Hardison try to discreetly grope an oblivious Parker is just sad.

The obvious solution seems to be for Nate and Sophie to take one car and Eliot, Parker, and Hardison to take another. In fact, Nate and Sophie have climbed into Nate's car and are about to drive away when Eliot knocks on Nate's window, scowling.

Nate rolls down the window, sighs. "What's wrong?"

"I can't ride with those two."

Nate shrugs. "So ride with us."

Eliot glances at Sophie, who protests, "Oh, no. I'm not going to sit in the back seat. I'm a lady, Eliot, not a child!"

Eliot's gaze shifts to Nate.

Nate snorts. "I drive. End of story."

"Control freak," Eliot says, rolling his eyes.

They're at an impasse for a moment. It seems silly for five people to take three cars, but Eliot's on the verge of suggesting just that when Sophie caves.

"_Fine_," she snaps. "I'll ride with the others."

Eliot grins as Sophie climbs out of Nate's car and walks over to Hardison's. She immediately spots the problem, but before she can change her mind Eliot slips into the abandoned passenger seat and pushes the button to lock the doors.

"All set?" Nate says, a glint in his eye that makes Eliot think he knew what was going on all along.

"Let's go."

They arrive at the theater later than planned, thanks to that little delay. Eliot and Nate are in line for tickets when Hardison's car screeches into the parking lot—claiming a handicapped parking spot—and Sophie storms out, slamming the door behind her. She clicks the button to lock the doors, which means that when Parker and Hardison unlock the doors from the inside they accidentally set off the car alarm.

Sophie stalks toward the ticket booth, apparently unperturbed by the obnoxious blaring that's drawn the attention of everyone in earshot.

"Have a nice drive?" Nate asks with that aren't-I-goofy-please-underestimate-me smile that doesn't fool anyone.

She does a fair imitation of Eliot's growl and doesn't reply.

Hardison and Parker finally figure out how to turn off the car alarm. They jog up to the others.

"That was just low," Hardison tells Sophie.

She crosses her arms over her chest. "Hardison, I'm not a bloody limo driver. When I drive a car with other people in it, I expect someone to sit in the passenger seat. It's simple politeness."

"I was being polite!" Hardison says. "I couldn't sit in the front seat and leave Parker all alone in the back."

Sophie's eyes narrow. "And Parker couldn't sit in the front because?"

Parker, who's been locked in a staring contest with a four-year-old boy in the line next to theirs for the past minute, says, not looking away, "I like the back seat."

Nate reaches the front of the line and says, "Five for _Toy Story_. The 8:05 showing."

The ticket booth attendant says, "Sold out." She gestures pointedly at the sign on the window that says: "TOY STORY 8:05 SOLD OUT."

"When's the next showing?"

"You wanna see it in 3D?"

Nate's brow furrows and he looks to the rest of the team in question.

"2D's cheaper," Parker points out.

"Yeah, but did you see _Avatar_?" Hardison counters. "I mean, the plot was awful, but the graphics were incredible. 3D's got its uses."

"I don't like 3D," Eliot interjects. "I don't like having to wear those glasses over my glasses."

All four of them stare at him.

"What?" he snaps. "I wear glasses at movies. Get over it."

"2D," Nate tells the attendant.

She nods. "The next showing's at 8:45."

Nate winces. "There's nothing sooner?"

"No."

"Fine. Five for that showing."

He hands over his credit card.

"Do you have a membership card?" the attendant says.

Nate begins to shake his head when Hardison says, "Oh, wait, I do!"

Hardison pulls out his bulging wallet and begins to flip through about a thousand different cards. The woman behind them in line lets out a pointed sigh.

"What the hell, Hardison?" Eliot says.

Hardison triumphantly pulls out a silver card and hands it to Nate, who in turn gives it to the attendant.

"Hey, I've got to be prepared if the Iceland secret police ever find me," Hardison tells Eliot. "I've got four fake IDs, three credit cards for each ID, Blockbuster cards for each ID—"

"I get it, I get it."

"—A grocery store membership card for each ID for numerous grocery stores, AAA cards for each ID—"

"I said, _stop talking_," Eliot hisses.

Hardison grins.

Nate signs the receipt and accepts the tickets from the attendant with a strained smile. He leads the way into the building.

"Ooh," Sophie says. "Refreshments!"

Nate face adopts a look of dread that makes Eliot instinctively look around for Sterling.

"Let's make this simple," Nate announces. "We're getting two large popcorns and a medium drink each. Agreed?"

"Butter or no butter?" Sophie asks suspiciously.

Nate hesitates. "Which do you prefer?"

"Butter," Sophie says.

Simultaneously, Parker says, "No butter."

"I want Buncha Crunch," Eliot puts in.

"I brought my own gummi frogs," Hardison says, reaching into his pocket and pulling out just enough of the package for them to make out the garish orange plastic.

"Hardison!" Parker exclaims, elbowing him. "Sneaking food into the theater is _wrong._"

Nate reaches the counter. "Uh, yes, I'd like two large popcorns—one with butter, one without—a medium Diet Coke, a medium Coke, a medium Coke Zero, a medium Dr. Pepper, a medium Sprite, and a Buncha Crunch."

"Actually," Hardison whispers, "cancel my Sprite. I brought my own orange soda, too."

"Really?" Parker raises an eyebrow and looks Hardison up and down. "Where are you hiding it?"

He chuckles. "Wouldn't you like to know?"

"And a large popcorn with lots of butter," Eliot tells the concession worker. At Nate's look, he says, "What? You seriously thought I was going to share with you people?"

"I thought you were all about organic food," Sophie points out.

"That only applies to food," Eliot says, barely restraining a _duh_. "This is _popcorn._"

Nate hands over the better part of $40 for the food. There's a minor altercation over how much salt to add to one of the popcorns—Sophie and Nate are sharing and Nate's a salt lover but Sophie's not—which makes Eliot smirk as he adds the perfect amount to his own bucket.

They round the corner to go to the theater but stop in their tracks at the sight of a very long line. At the front is a sign which says, "TOY STORY 8:45."

"You've got to be kidding me," Nate groans.

"Ooh, a line!" Parker exclaims. "Let's play Easiest Mark!"

Well, none of them's going to say no to that particular suggestion. The game's not as fun as usual, though, since they're mostly surrounded by kids between the ages of four and nine and their haggard looking mothers.

After a while they switch to Take It and Give It Back, which turns out to be more difficult with these particular marks than Eliot expected. It's easy enough to lift a house mother's wallet, but putting it back without her noticing, while trying to avoid little brats determined to get in the way, is tricky. Especially because they add an extra rule today: everyone has to hold a soda in their non-dominant hand.

In the end, Nate wins—despite his disapproving frown when Parker first explained the rules to him—mostly because middle-aged women seem to freeze, slack-jawed, when he approaches them, which makes it a simple matter to pick their pockets and then return whatever he lifts.

They've been waiting for forty minutes when the line finally begins to move. They're just about to give their tickets to the ticket-tearer when Parker catches sight of a _Toy Story_ poster.

"Wait." She stops in her tracks. "Is this the movie about the toys that come to life?"

Eliot stares at her. "What did you _think_ it was about?"

"I don't watch horror movies," she says flatly.

People in the line behind them are beginning to chafe at the delay. Nate jerks his head in a clear command and the team gets out of line.

"Parker," Sophie says in her most soothing voice, "this isn't a horror movie."

"It's about toys that come to life when you're not watching them. It's a horror movie."

Eliot, Sophie, and Hardison speak over each other.

"It's _not_—"

"Come on, Parker, just give it a try, maybe you'll—"

"It's really funny—"

"That's it," Nate announces abruptly, cutting them all off. "We're going back to the office. Everyone bring your concessions, and turn on your earbuds."

He stalks out of the theater, apparently fed up with them all, and speeds out of the parking lot before any of the others can catch up. Sophie and Eliot exchange a look.

"I'll drive," she says.

He nods and takes the passenger seat. Parker and Hardison scramble onto the back seat.

"We're going to watch a movie at the office," Nate's voice says in their ear, and Eliot doesn't want to think about how familiar that feels these days. "Suggestions?"

"I know!" Sophie says. "Let's do—"

"Not _Casablanca_," Parker argues. "Let's watch—"

"Not _Lilo and Stitch_," Nate interjects. "How about—"

"Not _The Hangover_," Hardison groans. "Why don't we do—"

"Not. _Troy_," Eliot growls. "What about—"

"Not _Finding Neverland_," Sophie insists. "Can you believe that they thought Kate Winslet would make a better lead than me?"

None of them respond to that.

"So…_The Usual Suspects_?" Nate says after a long pause. "Again?"

Eliot and Sophie exchange a look. In the back seat, Hardison and Parker do the same. "_The Usual Suspects_," they chorus in agreement.

Nate sighs. "We've really got to develop a better system."


End file.
